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Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
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9:42 am - life
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so ive been spending the majority of my morning crying my eyes out.. something i don't do enough im sure.
the last half of my life so far has been soo surreal to think about, the things i put myself through, and how repetitive life has been for me.
ive been spending soo much time trying to "find myself" and never understanding why i still felt empty after i thought i found the answer..
but its just now that im really starting to realize that i can't find true happiness in "things" because, things come and go. it's funny because i know this, i understand it, and ive been fallowing it for a few years now, even to the point were i dont have to tell myself anymore, because i just know it to be true.. but ive now realized how stubborn ive been for not keeping that with me in ALL aspects of my life (mainly relationships).
ive caught myself making judgments on numerous occasions and telling myself what i think the other person should be doing to make me happy, mind you.. while im thinking these things, i always manage to convince myself that its for the betterment of them, something ive grown all to comfortable with doing. but it's not the other person that needs to change, regardless of weather or not it will truly benefit their life or not.. everyone has their own shit to deal with, and its not up to anyone but them, on how or when they choose to do it.
now.. ive "known " all of this already in my head.. but i guess it took me a while longer to really truly know it in my heart.
ive chosen this life, ive chosen were i am, ive chosen to suffer & anything else that ive felt along the way, and nobody anywhere can fill up that hole inside of me but me....
i guess it takes a while and a bit more suffering to turn that from a thought into reality.
sometimes its soooo hard to accept things you cannot change, but when it comes down to it, what other choice do you have..... suffering?..... for what? all that does is feed the very thing your not agreeing with..
i think im ready for change..
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(2 visions | your visions)
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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8:44 pm - im back!!!
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| Monday, November 26th, 2007
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11:43 pm - wow
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astrazero's journal
chipper